Aging gracefully, like a tugboat

Last night I was fiddling with a small mole on my stomach, because I had nothing else to do and I didn’t want to clean the kitchen, and I suddenly remembered that it’s not a mole. At my last appointment, my dermatologist informed me that it’s actually called a “barnacle.” You know, like the crusty crap that grows on the underside of a boat.

So that makes me feel pretty sexy. Between my barnacle, my bunion, and my wankles, I would say I am aging less like a fine wine, and more like an expired container of milk that you forgot you had in the back of the fridge until one day you smell something rank and you think, “What on earth is that stench?!?” and you dig through your fridge and throw out a ton of shriveled baby carrots and realize maybe you should stop buying so many baby carrots and you keep digging and find 14 half-eaten jars of pasta sauce and realize maybe you should stop opening new jars of pasta sauce and then finally you see it hiding in the back corner with crusty milk bits hanging off the lid and you say “Oh hi Amy – I didn’t see you there. You’re old and moldy and you’re starting to rot.”

Me. As a barnacle-infested tugboat.

Me. As a barnacle-infested tugboat. Please note my feet are not actually the same size as my head. Yet. And my wankles are not actually visible. Yet. 

Birth control, body hair and bunions

I have been struggling from an acute case of blogstipation. I can’t seem to squeeze out a post for the life of me. And yet the longer I wait to write something, the more words become all jumbled in my head, making it that much harder to string together a single coherent thought.

Soooo for the sake of releasing something, anything, I will over-share that I recently picked up a new birth control prescription. We’ve decided to close up shop. No more buns in my oven.

I admittedly have had a tiny bit of the baby sads and ovary aches realizing I won’t have another newborn to sniff and squeeze, but at the same time I am looking forward to reclaiming my body and mind. The whole pregnancy/childbirth/breastfeeding/newborn thing really kicks my ass in some ways. Go figure.

So I was feeling kinda sunny and optimistic about getting ‘me’ back. Let’s get this body back on track! Then I read the pamphlet that came with my pills. I quote:

  • Your periods may be early or late, shorter or longer, heavier or lighter than normal.

Hi, thanks for the super useful info. Do you want to leave any other options on the table? Will my periods be painful or maybe not painful? Monthly or maybe not monthly?

  • If you vomit within 4 hours after taking this medication or have diarrhea, use a back-up method of birth control

Uhhh, ok. I sure wish I had known about the pukes and poops possibility before I picked this pill…

  • Weight gain, acne and extra hair on your face and body have been reported.

COME. ON. PEOPLE. How is this even fair? Scientists of America – you can do better.

So just in time for summer, looks like post-baby me will sport a mustache and bacne. I also still have Paul Bunion on my right foot, so there’s a lot of sexy up in here.

I’m sorry, what’s that you say? I would’ve been better off just riding out my blogstipation one more day and skipping this post? I could not agree more or less. I promise my next post will be better or worse.

My SAHM resume

This weekend I was supposed to go out for drinks with two of my friends and former coworkers. It’s been almost a year since I quit working after my daughter was born, so these get togethers are a fun chance to catch up on all the shizz.

The Facebook told me that they have both been traveling for work – including a trip to Paris. Oh the perks of work travel – dinners at the finest restaurants, deluxe hotel accommodations, not having to worry about anyone else’s butt to wipe or food to cut. Le sigh.

Lest they think my life is not as interesting these days, I started to make note of some of my recent adventures to share as a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom for anyone new to the hipster internet lingo). I spend all of my time with my kids, but I really wanted to focus on me and my personal accomplishments so as not to bore them.

  • I have been cooking a lot these days!
  • By this I mean I have made tortilla soup 67 times.
  • I have started several DIY home improvement projects!
  • By this I mean I have not finished any of them.
  • In case you’re wondering why I look like hell – I haven’t had a haircut in almost a year!
  • Also I’m limping because I’ve grown a bunion.
  • What do I do with the little free time I have? I like to blog, tweet, and talk to strangers on the Internet. #amazeballs
  • I recently learned the word “amazeballs.”
  • I cleaned out my closet and drawers!
  • But I was unable to part with my maternity underwear. So comfy.
  • Last week I had to throw away my favorite bird socks. Hole in the heel. 😦

Just as I was wrapping up my list, I got an email that they need to reschedule. Bummer. I guess I’ll take advantage of this postponement to see if I can accomplish anything else worth sharing. I don’t know, maybe something OUT OF THE PRISON HOUSE.