Please stop asking me about my Thanksgiving plans

“Amy, do you have a centerpiece?”

“Do you have nice napkins and table linens?”

“How are you going to prepare the turkey?”

“Do you have a turkey??”

“What time do you want us to come over?”

Seriously what is the urgency here, people? It’s only Wednesday.

The Remains of the Holiday

Our Thanksgiving guests left yesterday, officially bringing the holiday to a close in our house.

I both despise and enjoy the post-holiday cleanup. It’s a bummer to say goodbye to family, but nice to be able to pee with the door open again.

I find that the post-holiday cleaning process offers new opportunities to enjoy what remains from the festivities.

Like when you risk life, limb and listeriosis to make one final dent in the gobs of leftovers still sitting in your fridge.

Coming soon to a kitchen near you: Turkey Tortilla Soup…

Or when you delay packing up the air mattress your sister slept on so your kid can use it as a trampoline.

So many sharp corners. Next time I’ll make her wear a bike helmet.

Or when putting away the remains of your nephew’s Diet Coke supply, you try a can for the first time in 10 years and discover, OMG THAT STUFF IS DELICIOUS. Even if it does make you blind.

Aspartame, you complete me

Or finding random evidence that your mother has been in your house, like a) her unfinished crossword puzzle sitting on the table.

40 Across: “Throat-protecting armor.” So far Mom has _ O R _ _ _

And b) the latex gloves she brought and left in your dishrack, which have an eery serial killer quality to them.

Seriously, why not rubber gloves? What is she hiding?

Or discovering that the decorative plates and napkins your mother purchased for the 27 cheese-filled appetizers you consumed have now been used by your 4-year-old for craft projects.

A treasure box, a makeup applicator, and a kite

And when you are finally finished cleaning, and beginning to enjoy your Christmas decorations, you realize there is one last Thanksgiving reminder that may haunt you for weeks to come: the oversized turkey balloon your mother purchased for your kids, which shows no signs of coming down anytime soon.

It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas…almost

I’m tired. Will someone please come and do my Christmas shopping for me?

How to throw a bipartisan Thanksgiving

I don’t know about you, but in the wake of this week’s election I am now gearing up for a potentially more daunting challenge – preparing to host Thanksgiving for a family made up of vocal Republicans and Democrats.

Fun! Said no one ever.

I momentarily considered cancelling the holiday to avoid the inevitable political trash talking and grumbling, but instead I am going to focus on creating an agenda and menu that will unite even the most divided among us.

Below are my tips for throwing a successful, peaceful bipartisan Thanksgiving:

1. Welcome guests with a warm hug and a glass of their favorite wine/beer/cocktail to take the edge off.

2. Tell a few humorous, non-political stories to bring everyone together and foster a spirit of love and laughter.

3. Quickly serve a meal that includes green bean casserole. Because duh.


Seriously. Kick them to the curb before things takes a turn for the worse, which in my experience is usually somewhere between dessert and the post-meal naps. That’s when everyone starts to feel punchy and bloated – a lethal combination, as evidenced by me, once a month, for 5-7 days.

Whoever said Thanksgiving has to be an all day festival was a masochist. Or from a nonpartisan family.

Give it three hours, and then Shut It Down and enjoy an evening alone with a good book. Or if you’re me, an entire season of The Walking Dead. Gobble, gobble.