A few weeks ago my mother-in-law was visiting. She is an avid sewer, so in an attempt to find common ground and spark a decent conversation, I told her I had considered getting a cheap sewing machine to hem pants and make curtains.

I have no idea how to sew. Nor am I a domestic or crafty person.

But my tactic worked, and she proceeded to tell me about the costumes she made for her kids when they were little, showed me photos of dresses she made for her daughter…it was a nice bonding moment, which doesn’t happen often. Mission accomplished.

I should’ve known better. The next day she took me to the store and laid down $400+ for a sewing machine and a bunch of supplies to get me started on my path to Project Runway.

Oh f*ck. Good job, me.

You might be asking – Amy, why didn’t you just politely tell her no thank you? Because turning down her offer would have been perceived as an insult, and believe me – you do not want to offend this woman.

So here I’ve been sitting for the past several weeks with this damn machine staring at me from across the table. Mocking me. Haunting me.

My lack of sewing skills is the least of my worries at this point. Now I have the enormous emotional burden of knowing my mother-in-law will ask about my sewing progress – and rightfully so, since she bankrolled me – every.single.time I talk to her. FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

To say I am screwed is an understatement. I have already been perusing Etsy for things I can purchase and tell her I made myself because I know where this is headed.

I never bought a machine before because I knew I wouldn’t actually use it. I don’t do this type of thing! It’s not in my DNA.

And I resent the insinuation that I should do it just because I have two daughters. Both my mother-in-law and the sales clerk seemed to think I should spend the rest of my days sewing doll clothes and Easter dresses because duh – two girls!

Um, NO! That kind of antiquated B.S. does not apply here. I can be a great mother and role model even if I patch their clothes with masking tape and don’t know how to make pancakes (shush – I’m working on it).

But I went ahead and took the free introductory class to learn how to use the machine, so that at the very least I can understand the lingo while spinning my web of lies.

Then the other night my daughter asked me to sew some pants for her doll. Ugh. Seriously, kid? You don’t even know how much of a headache this is going to give Mommy. Not to mention how many hours, if not days, this will take. But fine, I’ll try.

So I dug around on Pinterest, found some beginner 101 level sewing projects, and 45 minutes later I had completed the MOST BITCHIN DOLL PANTS on the planet.

I couldn’t believe how easy it was, how well they fit, and how excited I was about my achievement. My favorite part is they are made from old pants that both of the girls wore as babies. Cost-effective AND sentimental value! Genius! I don’t want to brag but I also made those club foot socks and that itty bitty hat. Crafty Cathy in da house!

Today I pulled out more old baby clothes that I can re-engineer into custom doll accessories and attire.

I cannot believe I just typed that sentence. What the hell is happening to me? Am I on a downward spiral toward making matching bonnets for my children? Will I start sewing patterns on my jeans? Heaven forbid – am I going to own a thimble someday?!?

Sometimes I think parenthood is laughing at me and my attempts at domesticity. Or maybe that’s just my mother-in-law cackling in the background.

Either way I will claim a small piece of victory knowing that my favorite creation is actually one that didn’t require a single stitch. I used the remains of a leftover sock to create a ski mask for one of the smaller dolls, and in so doing, I made the cutest, creepiest bank robber in history.

And now I plan to terrorize my husband by leaving her in random spots in the house. Like the fruit bowl.

Or perhaps on the kitchen counter, ready to greet him when he gets his morning coffee.

And this is why I should not be allowed to do crafts.

Do you have any entry level sewing project ideas I can add to my Pinterest board? Do tell! Otherwise I’ll just keep making ski masks and then we’re all in trouble.