Sew what?!

A few weeks ago my mother-in-law was visiting. She is an avid sewer, so in an attempt to find common ground and spark a decent conversation, I told her I had considered getting a cheap sewing machine to hem pants and make curtains.

I have no idea how to sew. Nor am I a domestic or crafty person.

But my tactic worked, and she proceeded to tell me about the costumes she made for her kids when they were little, showed me photos of dresses she made for her daughter…it was a nice bonding moment, which doesn’t happen often. Mission accomplished.

I should’ve known better. The next day she took me to the store and laid down $400+ for a sewing machine and a bunch of supplies to get me started on my path to Project Runway.

Oh f*ck. Good job, me.

You might be asking – Amy, why didn’t you just politely tell her no thank you? Because turning down her offer would have been perceived as an insult, and believe me – you do not want to offend this woman.

So here I’ve been sitting for the past several weeks with this damn machine staring at me from across the table. Mocking me. Haunting me.

My lack of sewing skills is the least of my worries at this point. Now I have the enormous emotional burden of knowing my mother-in-law will ask about my sewing progress – and rightfully so, since she bankrolled me – every.single.time I talk to her. FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE.

To say I am screwed is an understatement. I have already been perusing Etsy for things I can purchase and tell her I made myself because I know where this is headed.

I never bought a machine before because I knew I wouldn’t actually use it. I don’t do this type of thing! It’s not in my DNA.

And I resent the insinuation that I should do it just because I have two daughters. Both my mother-in-law and the sales clerk seemed to think I should spend the rest of my days sewing doll clothes and Easter dresses because duh – two girls!

Um, NO! That kind of antiquated B.S. does not apply here. I can be a great mother and role model even if I patch their clothes with masking tape and don’t know how to make pancakes (shush – I’m working on it).

But I went ahead and took the free introductory class to learn how to use the machine, so that at the very least I can understand the lingo while spinning my web of lies.

Then the other night my daughter asked me to sew some pants for her doll. Ugh. Seriously, kid? You don’t even know how much of a headache this is going to give Mommy. Not to mention how many hours, if not days, this will take. But fine, I’ll try.

So I dug around on Pinterest, found some beginner 101 level sewing projects, and 45 minutes later I had completed the MOST BITCHIN DOLL PANTS on the planet.

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I couldn’t believe how easy it was, how well they fit, and how excited I was about my achievement. My favorite part is they are made from old pants that both of the girls wore as babies. Cost-effective AND sentimental value! Genius! I don’t want to brag but I also made those club foot socks and that itty bitty hat. Crafty Cathy in da house!

Today I pulled out more old baby clothes that I can re-engineer into custom doll accessories and attire.

cannot believe I just typed that sentence. What the hell is happening to me? Am I on a downward spiral toward making matching bonnets for my children? Will I start sewing patterns on my jeans? Heaven forbid – am I going to own a thimble someday?!?

Sometimes I think parenthood is laughing at me and my attempts at domesticity. Or maybe that’s just my mother-in-law cackling in the background.

Either way I will claim a small piece of victory knowing that my favorite creation is actually one that didn’t require a single stitch. I used the remains of a leftover sock to create a ski mask for one of the smaller dolls, and in so doing, I made the cutest, creepiest bank robber in history.

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And now I plan to terrorize my husband by leaving her in random spots in the house. Like the fruit bowl.

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Or perhaps on the kitchen counter, ready to greet him when he gets his morning coffee.

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And this is why I should not be allowed to do crafts.

Do you have any entry level sewing project ideas I can add to my Pinterest board? Do tell! Otherwise I’ll just keep making ski masks and then we’re all in trouble.

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32 thoughts on “Sew what?!

  1. Oh my…I have to make a ski mask now just to mess with my husband. This is genius and you are talented! You are probably going to be called “Fancy Pants” from now on.

  2. I have to say I’ve never read a more refreshing blog for many moons…too funny! Glad to see you are “one of us” and are now sewing your little heart out…congrats!

  3. I needed this entertainment today. At first I was laughing out loud that you must produce home-made sewing projects for the rest of your mother in law’s life, but by the end I was just laughing because you are hilarious.

    • Gasp! RHONJ branding is brilliant! Or, since you are the one who got me all worked up over Jamie Gumm, maybe next I will create a Hannibal Lector mask. I should probably stop this before I ruin any and all chance of my children having any friends.

  4. Got to your blog via a link from Molly…….your post was hysterical! Love the ski mask on the doll……….reminiscent of Elf on the shelf………….develop a story, box her up and sell her for Halloween……Brilliant!

    I too tried to be like my mother n law who I dearly love(d) and desperately miss…………She was Martha before Martha existed! I did conquer some sewing things, but alas a seamstress I am not…………My sewing machine is in a box in my basement…….maybe I need to dust it off?? Nah, who am I kidding……..

    AC

  5. It could be worse. I have a friend who initiated a polite conversation about canning with her mother in law, and received nothing but canning supplies for Christmas and birthday that year.

    I have a sewing machine, but it is rarely used because it makes me cry.

  6. I. CANNOT. BREATHE!!!! I am laughing so hard. OMG. That picture of the masked doll on the counter is the best thing I have ever seen. This *is* the reason you should craft. You are taking crafting to the next level!

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  9. Funny, I was just explaining to my kids what a “wing man” is in every sense of the term. And here you are with the awesome Top Gun reference. You really should spoof the Elf idea with a scary mask guy. I’m going to do it for my kids before Halloween next year. They will love/hate it and kids should be scared sometimes.

    I’m so glad I get to enjoy your great sense of humor via blog. XO

  10. Doll pants?? Wow, what next?? I. am. impressed. I’m glad to see you have your sense of humor through it, it’s better to pace yourself with these tasks and not take them too seriously. I have one that will impress her, remember those lavender sachets I used to make? We can talk, they are probably on Pinterest. So simple and you can give it to her for Mother’s Day, winner, winner!!

    By the way, I love this post, I actually love them all. Good job, my friend.

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  13. Bwahahaha How did the ‘creeping out’ go? Dyanne (from iwantbacksies) just sent me here after I ended up with a WAY creepy disease-ridden doll from a local fair in my house (Husby too soft on Niece, what can I say – he was trying to be nice) and now the revoltingly monikered ‘Syphylissa’ is haunting my every. freakin’. move.

    This morning I came in to find her searching for Ken Doll pics on the internet…http://summat2thinkon.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/wordless-wednesday-syphylissa.html

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