Conversations to avoid in front of your kids

My daughter is taking a musical theater class and her final performance is this week. They sing two Mary Poppins songs and it will take about five minutes. But you know, it’s still a pretty big damn deal around here.

We were all talking about it in the car yesterday, and I jokingly made a side comment to my husband that we should get her some of those fake teeth that those beauty pageant kids wear.

Me: “We should get her some of those flappers.”

Him: “What?”

Me: “Or is it flippers. Flappers? Flippers.”

Him: “What is that?”

Me: “You know – those things they put on for beauty pageants.”

Him: “Pasties?” he asked, clearly amused with himself.

Me: “WHAT?!!!” *guffaw laughter* “Ohmygod no. Flippers. Fake teeth.”

Him: “A dental dam?”

Me: “WHAAAT?!?! NOOOOOHMYGOD…” laughing too hard I cannot finish speaking before he does the following:

Him: In a muffled voice, as if he has a mouthful of cotton: “Hello. I’m wearing a dental dam.”

Me: Laughing so hard I am crying, in part because I am unsure if he realizes there is a different, R-rated use for a dental dam.

Him: Thinking he is hi-larious, does it again, in the same cotton-mouth voice. “Hello. I’m wearing a dental dam.”

Me: Gasping for breath, “No, honey – stop. Seriously.”

Four-year-old daughter, from the back seat, in the same muffled voice. “Hello. I’m wearing a denda dan.”

Thankfully she didn’t understand the exact words. I changed the subject immediately.