Chicken v. Robot

A few years ago I wrote a groundbreaking exposé about the chicken uprising that was beginning to take hold in America. In it, I predicted a future in which chickens would eventually invade our homes, take our jobs and lead our country.


Isn’t it funny how in 2014 this image was alarming and panic-inducing, but in 2018 it’s like – ‘Hey, that doesn’t look so bad.’

While the chickens have not yet reached global domination, yesterday my daughter mentioned that “everyone in my kindergarten class has chickens.” So I think we can all agree it’s just a matter of time.

We can wait to murdered by chickens, OR we can turn our attention to an even more urgent threat that keeps me up at night – ROBOTS.

Holy hell have you seen the footage of these creations? They can walk, talk, do backflips, open a damn door and WALK RIGHT OUT.

While tech nerds may be celebrating in the streets, I say Hell No. I am cool with robots that can vacuum or help me spell hard words like ‘diarrhea.’ But robots that can enter my home, beat the crap out of me and then shut the door behind them on the way back out? I’ll pass.

There is only one species that is fearless and ferocious enough to protect us from the looming robot takeover.


Think about it. They are cunning, unassuming, and everywhere. If we train chickens in basic combat, they can wipe out the robots AND ensure we never run out of eggs.


Karate chickens


Sword-fighting chickens


Omelet-making chickens

Honestly chickens are so bossy I think they’ll take matters into their own hands once they hear about robots anyway, so we might as well become their allies before it’s too late.

Clearly this is the only solution to the #1 problem our country is facing right now.

The chickens are coming

The other day a chicken walked in my front door. It wandered over from the neighbor’s house.

I do not live in a rural area. These are city chickens. They supposedly live in a chicken coop, except when they escape and fly over the fence to terrorize my family and claw holes in my yard.

I don’t know if urban chickens are more bold and brazen than their cousins back at the farm, but these little cluckers seem to have a level of confidence and swagger that I did not expect from poultry. I was a little rattled by the fowl intrusion, but I shooed her away and went on with my day.

Then the next day I called a nearby preschool to ask a few questions about their program. In the span of her two-minute overview, the director informed me that the school has chickens roaming the playground with the kids. It is clearly considered to be one of their competitive differentiators.

I don’t know, I was kind of hoping she’d talk about their childcare philosophy, teachers or curriculum, but sure – tell me more about your chickens.

Listen, I know chickens are the new black. I wholeheartedly support the ‘local food’ movement and the many benefits that come from sourcing your own food. But at some point you have to stop and ask yourself – are we placing a tad too much importance on chickens? Have we given them unnecessary amounts of authority? Isn’t anyone worried that the chickens are starting to feel entitled?

Today they are barging into our homes uninvited and playing pat-a-cake with our children. Tomorrow they will be taking our jobs and running for office.

The Future

The Future

Wake up, America. Do not be naïve to the Chicken Agenda. Didn’t you see the movie I, Robot? Me neither. But I did see the trailer, which was enough to justify my theory that if we start to welcome the chickens into our homes and elevate their status, they will eventually overtake our society. Before you know it we’ll all be living in cages while the chickens sleep in our beds and eat Human Nuggets for dinner. Even Will Smith won’t be able to save us. (Seriously what the hell happened to that guy? Where has he been? Shouldn’t we tell him about the chickens??)

I don’t want to be an alarmist. Clearly. I’m just saying keep an eye on this chicken thing. Have they simply usurped dogs to become the chic pet du jour, OR have they infiltrated our society? Only Will Smith will know for sure.