The chickens are coming

The other day a chicken walked in my front door. It wandered over from the neighbor’s house.

I do not live in a rural area. These are city chickens. They supposedly live in a chicken coop, except when they escape and fly over the fence to terrorize my family and claw holes in my yard.

I don’t know if urban chickens are more bold and brazen than their cousins back at the farm, but these little cluckers seem to have a level of confidence and swagger that I did not expect from poultry. I was a little rattled by the fowl intrusion, but I shooed her away and went on with my day.

Then the next day I called a nearby preschool to ask a few questions about their program. In the span of her two-minute overview, the director informed me that the school has chickens roaming the playground with the kids. It is clearly considered to be one of their competitive differentiators.

I don’t know, I was kind of hoping she’d talk about their childcare philosophy, teachers or curriculum, but sure – tell me more about your chickens.

Listen, I know chickens are the new black. I wholeheartedly support the ‘local food’ movement and the many benefits that come from sourcing your own food. But at some point you have to stop and ask yourself – are we placing a tad too much importance on chickens? Have we given them unnecessary amounts of authority? Isn’t anyone worried that the chickens are starting to feel entitled?

Today they are barging into our homes uninvited and playing pat-a-cake with our children. Tomorrow they will be taking our jobs and running for office.

The Future

The Future

Wake up, America. Do not be naïve to the Chicken Agenda. Didn’t you see the movie I, Robot? Me neither. But I did see the trailer, which was enough to justify my theory that if we start to welcome the chickens into our homes and elevate their status, they will eventually overtake our society. Before you know it we’ll all be living in cages while the chickens sleep in our beds and eat Human Nuggets for dinner. Even Will Smith won’t be able to save us. (Seriously what the hell happened to that guy? Where has he been? Shouldn’t we tell him about the chickens??)

I don’t want to be an alarmist. Clearly. I’m just saying keep an eye on this chicken thing. Have they simply usurped dogs to become the chic pet du jour, OR have they infiltrated our society? Only Will Smith will know for sure.

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10 thoughts on “The chickens are coming

  1. Just because you’re paranoid just mean they’re not out to get you.

    I don’t want live creatures at my preschool. Kids are too rough and animals bite. Stupid combination.

    Unless the preschool has cows. That would be awesome.

  2. Pingback: How I Write | Banana Wheels

  3. My chickens are definitely entitled. They eat ALL my plants, complain loudly, and strut around like they own the place. I am just waiting for the day that I come home and find they have moved into the house. They know we will never eat them so they have no fear.

  4. I read an article one day about urban chickens. How all the “new black” people have chickens and brag about their fresh eggs and they’ll never buy store-bought again, and then the chickens get too old to lay (which doesn’t take that long) and they are stuck with barren chickens, because what are you going to do with them, gas them? So the urban egg farm becomes a chicken preservation instead.

  5. I was telling my mom about my friend’s chickens, and she said, “Um, so, if the chicken dies do they bury it?” She was trying REALLY HARD to understand the concept of chickens as semi-pets, but she was raised during the depression and has first hand knowledge of “running around like a chicken with its head cut off.” I passed the question on to my friend, and she said they actually double-bagged a dead one and (illegally) put it in the trash.

    Also, saw a great headline a few years back: “Goats are the new chickens.” (I live in Portland, so..yeah.)

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