I would like to retract my previous post in which I lamented the awkwardness of a massage, as today I had an experience 10 times more bizarre – a chiropractor.

I’m still not entirely sure what happened during my 1 hour visit, but I do know that at one point he attached a machine that quacks like a duck to my ass. I repeat – I had a machine touching my buttocks (clothed, fortunately), and that machine quacked like a duck. The guy also had a stuffed gorilla in his office, a couple posters of lizards on the walls, and perhaps most alarming of all – he was wearing dark socks under a pair of Teva sandals. WHERE DO I REPORT THESE CRIMES?

I want to believe in alternative forms of medicine. I do. But this guy stretched just a tad too far beyond my comfort zone. I went to him in the event he could help with my headaches, and because he was recommended to me by a friend who is extremely intelligent and trustworthy. He practices ‘gentle low force’ techniques so I wasn’t as paranoid that he would crack my neck in two.

I have never been to a chiropractor before, but do they all use tools that look like they were made in an 8th grade shop class? Weird little hammers, laser lights, spring-loaded thingamajobbies. Not to mention the ass quacker. I even let him give me some homeopathic droplets of something, which in hindsight might’ve been a rufi because I was in a wicked haze for a couple hours afterward. I’m just glad I made it out alive.

I’m still processing the whole experience, but I don’t think I’ll go back. Unless of course my headaches never return, and then QUACK QUACK.