Long time no see

And then I never wrote another blog post again. The End.

Or at least that’s what I was starting to think. Life has been kicking my ass over the last month. Something had to give. So I abandoned the blog and all related forms of social media to focus on the here and now. It’s been aaaalllll real, baby.

Like the day I woke up and found ants in my marshmallow bag. That’s not a euphemism. My favorite ants mounted a retaliation attack, and this time they invaded my kitchen cupboards. I hate those little bastards so much. On the upside, it forced us to finally buy some extra shelves from IKEA to serve as a pantry. I don’t want to exaggerate, but these shelves are the single greatest invention of all time. I had no idea how much better life could be with adequate kitchen cabinet space. WHY DIDN’T SOMEONE TELL ME THIS. Amazing.

We also had fruit flies, which led to me getting my head stuck in fly paper, which led to dead flies and glue stuck in my hair for a week. So that was neat. And there are enormous spiders in our house. So I pretty much hate nature right now.

Blah blah but the main thing that has left me reeling is that my daughter started kindergarten on Monday. This? This just may be my demise. I can’t tell who is more exhausted – me or her.

There are a few areas of parenthood that come naturally to me. Like loving them. But there are a few areas of parenthood that are so challenging for me. Like feeding them. I have to dig deep – I mean reeaaallly deep – to plan and prepare meals. Packing a healthy lunch for her every day requires serious thought on my end. Not to mention the need to feed her a good breakfast AND dinner. And the wild card that I had totally forgotten about – AFTER SCHOOL SNACKS. She is starving every day when she gets home, probably because she eats lunch at 10:55. I was woefully underprepared for this (due in part to the fact that we threw out 95% of our food with the antpocalypse).

So this week has felt like all I have done is plan or prepare a meal. Why is that? It’s not like I wasn’t feeding my children before this. Or was I? I don’t know. I just hope this part gets easier.

I’m also really enjoying the boatloads of paperwork that the school sends home. I have  paperwork aversion issues. Somehow signing a simple form is really taxing for me. “Oh NO – do I need to write my phone number AND look up my insurance number? Me so tired. I’ll just set it aside and do it never later never.” I’ve already lost four forms I was supposed to return.

But the real humdinger came Wednesday – Day 3 – when my daughter peed her pants in the middle of class. She was holding it in, which is sort of her thing – wait until it’s an all out 911 emergency – and the dam broke in the middle of story time and she peed all over herself and the carpet. Of course I hadn’t sent any extra clothes, so she had to borrow clothes from the nurse. It was 90 degrees out, and they put her in a pair of thick boys’ sweatpants that were 3 sizes too big, and big black boy tennis shoes.

So help me, the look on her face when I picked her up was enough to shatter my heart into a million pieces. She walked right into my arms and gave me the saddest hug I’ve ever gotten. It was all I could do not to cry on the spot. Apparently other kids laughed at her when it happened, which is the worst thing to hear when your kid is adjusting to a whole new world. And I felt like a piece of shit mom for not thinking to put a change of clothes in her locker. Girlfriend was so sweaty and miserable in those big ugly boy clothes.

Gah the whole thing still bums me out hard, but fortunately I think she is recovering well. Unfortunately she told me exactly which four girls were being mean and laughing at her, so now they will forever be devil children in my eyes. Just kidding. Mostly.

I am exhausted and hoping next week is a tad easier. I do feel sort of studly now that I have a kid in ‘real’ school. It’s like moving up from the JV team to the Varsity squad (not that I would know). No more gallivanting off on spontaneous family getaways mid-week (not that we ever did this anyway). No more dropping her off or picking her up from preschool whenever I please. Now we have a legit commitment. A schedule to adhere to. Academic shackles that bind us. Lil homey haz to learn, yo!

So I guess what I’m wondering is, do I get some sort of letterman jacket for this accomplishment? A secret password to an exclusive parenting club? At least a participation ribbon??? Because I need something to keep me motivated. I’m not sure I have the chops for the big leagues. And I can only rely on my mom hair to fool people for so long. Peace out, Week 1.

12 thoughts on “Long time no see

  1. You need a better exterminator. Mine followed the trail through the yard to my back patio and under a planter, where she (yes, SHE) found the Big Ass Queenie Ant. That’s the secret.

    I had one preschooler pee TWICE on the first day of school. One peed on himself yesterday when he didn’t get his pants out of the way in time. And one THOUGHT he pooped himself (turned out to be a false alarm, thank GOD).

    My daughter’s first encounter with Mean Girls was in kindergarten. Bad news. It just gets worse.

    No letter jacket. Stay under the radar, or you will end up secretary of PTO.

    Glad you’re back. I’ve missed you.

  2. GAHHHHH. What is it with bugs? They have so much space in the world, why they gotta harass us?! My worst encounter was years ago. I was renting a room at this lady’s house (long story) and shared her kitchen. We were in the deep south- and she apparently had a fire ant problem. Anyhow. I didn’t know. Went to go make some toast and put my hand in the bread bag- instant ant-fire-pain-freakout. It was awful. I have never looked at ants inside the house the same again.

    And I am so glad you’re back. Don’t let it happen again. Also- I am hoping the Mean Girl situation goes away. Quickly. 😦

  3. I think I was just as exhausted the first week of school as I was when I had newborn twins. It was brutal. Lil homie gots ta learn. Snort!

    Okay, hearing about your girl wetting her pants and having to wear big boy sweats almost made me cry. One of mine had an accident last week, and it made her super anxious to go the next day. Luckily I was able to verify that she didn’t get made fun of. I think she was just embarrassed. Extra clothes are a must. Each of mine has a set in her backpack, but if the school hasn’t requested it, I probably wouldn’t have thought of it.

    We’re entering week 4, and the complaining was much less this evening. I may have even heard some “I want to go to school!” We’re getting there. I’m here for your kindergarten commiserations.

  4. Ugh– blech. Bugs send me over the edge too. We have flies that won’t go away and it’s all I can do not to run screaming from the house.

    Let’s all give each other participation ribbons. Oh wait– those are our blogs maybe! 😉

  5. Pingback: Show me the way, Kenny Rogers | Banana Wheels

  6. I want to kick some kindergarten butts right now. I used to hold my pee at school because I was too shy to ask to go to the bathroom. Man, it was hard to be a kid, but now it’s hard to be the parent of the kid. So much to worry about! I think lunch and snacks will be hard for me too, I can barely figure out a potable snack to take when we go on road trips. To do it everyday? I’m pretty sure I will be an epic failure!

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