Paging a more capable Tooth Fairy

The last time my daughter lost a tooth, the Tooth Fairy failed to visit not one, not two, but three nights in a row. My husband and I both felt terrible every morning when she awoke to disappointment.  But apparently not terrible enough because we kept forgetting about it by bedtime.

We are 8 teeth into this Tooth Fairy gig and I can honestly say it is one of my least favorite parts of parenting. Who came up with this idea anyway? A creature who sneaks into your room while you’re asleep, steals your tooth and leaves you spare change? Sounds like a crime scene to me.

I have yet to play the Tooth Fairy without breaking a sweat. Between my creaky floors, light-sleeping kids and heavy mouth breathing, the odds are not in my favor. And let me tell you – there’s nothing like that Oh Shit moment when your kid rolls over, opens her eyes and looks you dead in the face when you are midway through the Fairy deed with one hand stuck under the pillow. Honestly. I don’t need that kind of adrenaline rush at 11:00pm.

Not to mention the whole tooth disposal part of it. Are we just supposed to throw them in the garbage? Save them forever? Bury them in the yard? Are they compostable?? I have tossed some, but I also have a few teeth tucked in my underwear drawer, which is just plain creepy. Somehow none of the options feel quite right to me.

I thought maybe I was the only parent who struggled with this issue, but then a friend told me that he and his wife threw their kids’ teeth out the window. Granted they lived in Manhattan at the time, but still. Clearly none of us know what the hell we are supposed to do with these old dirty teeth if parents are hurling them out their window at innocent pedestrians below.

In this day and age, someone should at least start a tooth recycling program. Surely there is a way to melt the enamel and use it to make cars. Or football helmets. You KNOW there is a football team somewhere in Texas that would pay serious cash to have helmets made of teeth.

Until then I’ll just keep doing my best and try not to get caught. It seems like some parents are cut out for the Tooth Fairy task, and then there are the rest of us. Fumbling, forgetful, and stealing money from our child’s piggy bank to put under the pillow because we never carry cash anymore. It’s one disaster after another.

Fortunately this Fairy only has 32 more visits to manage before retirement. But who’s counting.

I forgot my hands. And apparently I wear a belt and size 14 shoes when on Fairy duty.

I forgot my hands.

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8 thoughts on “Paging a more capable Tooth Fairy

  1. I agree…it is creepy. And hilarious, the way you put it.
    My 13 year old says I still owe her backpay on some teeth so don’t feel so bad.

  2. My seven year old lost another tooth on Halloween and do you think we gave her anything besides massive amounts of trick or treat candy??
    Nope.
    Totally forgot.
    But she didn’t remind us so it’s her fault.
    That is how it works.

  3. OMG! This was seriously hilarious. Throwing the teeth out the window in a Manhattan high rise?! – I almost spit my coffee at my screen! I am so glad the tooth fairy is done with her job at our house!

    And whew! I am so glad to find out that I’m not the only one with an underwear drawer full of teeth. 🙂

  4. At our house, we’re 3 kids deep into this “tradition” so we can’t turn back now. To help remember to deliver the $$, my husband puts loose change or something uncomfortable on top of his pillow, so when he lays down for the night, he’s reminded to go be a fairy.

  5. I have a small collection of teeth in my jewelry box, and I never kept them separate, so I don’t even know which teeth belong ti which kid. Which makes it kinda pointless. The girls found them one day and Christian convinced them that they were my old teeth that I was keeping.

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