The opposite of a sexy Halloween costume

It’s that time of year! When the weather changes, the holidays are in the air, and I begin to make a series of questionable decisions. Yes, the two months between October 31 and December 31 tend to offer unlimited opportunities for me to demonstrate my poor judgment.

Case in point: This is Pat. He/she speed walks around the local mall every morning from 7-8 am while listening to REO Speedwagon on his/her Sony Walkman.


I wore this costume to my office on Halloween a few years ago. It was a last minute idea – shocking, I know. If I had had the time to realize that I was about to enter a professional environment wearing a sweatsuit from the Goodwill and oversized men’s velcro tennis shoes, I may have reconsidered (but probably not).

When it comes to office Halloween parties, there are two kinds of people in this world: A) Those who wear normal work attire all day and put their costumes on right before the party begins around 4:00, and B) Those who wear their costumes all day long.

I think members of Group A should be fired.

I wore this velour track suit all. damn. day. I had a rash around my waist from that fanny pack and an indentation on my forehead from the wig. I also stayed in character and speed-walked to all of my meetings. Excuse me, please. Out of my way. ON YOUR LEFT.

If you need a last minute costume idea, I highly recommend the Mall Walker (capitalized to add an appropriate level of distinction). It’s comfortable, affordable, and a great workout.

I may have lost the respect of my coworkers that day, but I won a prize in the costume contest. And if you know me well, you know that’s all that matters.

12 thoughts on “The opposite of a sexy Halloween costume

  1. I am HIGHLY suspect of adults who wear costumes, but I laughed coffee out of my nose when you committed deeply enough to speed walk to meetings.

    You went from crazy to awesome just by fully embodying Pat.

      • I’ll say this: costume on adult the evening of Halloween, don’t judge. Costume on adult Friday at work when Halloween isn’t until Sunday? Run away; run away.

        Or speedwalk away; speedwalk away.

  2. If you have to wear a Halloween costume to work, the least you can do is pick one that is comfortable. Like velour and velcro. I have to wear a stupid costume to preschool every year (two different classes, so two different days). This year, our stupid theme was candy, so I was a bag of jellybeans. I couldn’t sit or bend over. Thank God it’s only half a day! (I have to dress like an Indian for Thanksgiving feast and in a poodle skirt for the 50th day of preschool. Shoot me now.)

  3. I’m so glad you owned it. People who don’t dress up are bad, but those who dress up and then seem uncomfortable about it look even sillier.

    My favorite work Halloween costume was when my coworkers and I dressed up as 101 Dalmations. White sweatsuit: CHECK. I was pregnant too, so it was pretty awesome.

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