Our former, possibly murderous, neighbors finally sold their house. Woot! And the people who bought it have two daughters about the same age as my daughters. Double woot!
Over the past several weeks my 5-year-old has been playing with one of the new neighbor girls. She is two years older than my kid, so of course that gives her instant credibility and cool in my daughter’s eyes.
I have been watching their interactions to see how well they get along, and admittedly to gauge if this kid will be a good or bad influence on my daughter. Everyone knows there is a catch-22 when it comes to neighbor kids. They can be a wonderful source of friendship, camaraderie and entertainment for your own children. But they can also be incessant door knockers who hang around driving you crazy while teaching your kid how to smoke pot in the bushes. There is No Way Out if those little buggers go sour on you.
Here’s a rundown of recent events thus far:
Interaction #1: Neighbor child and my kid discuss their respective interests. Neighbor child says her favorite thing to do is play chess. +20 points
Interaction #2: Neighbor child comes over to visit and shares highlights from her day at school. She is very proud that she completed three tests in record time and got excellent grades. +25 points
Interaction #3: Neighbor child knocks on front door, says her 3-year-old sister wet her pants and needs to use our toilet to poop. (Unclear why she cannot go home to poop.)She then proceeds to wipe her sister’s butt (poorly) while they are both standing in the middle of my white bathmat. -25 points
Interaction #4: Neighbor child knocks on the front door and invites my kid over to make a pine cone bird feeder. +10 points
Interaction #5: Neighbor child reveals she has none of the supplies needed for the bird feeder, so she’ll need to borrow it all. Also? She decides it would probably be better if they make the messy, sticky, feeders at our house instead of hers. -20 points
Interaction #6: Neighbor child enters our front door with her arms full of pine cones and drops them on my rug. She then immediately begins to scream at the top of her lungs when she sees a zillion hairy bugs crawl out of the cones – all over my entryway. I scramble to get rid of the bugs, but not before I see one crawl into my favorite shoe, where it apparently burrowed into a secret hideaway because I could not find it for the life of me, despite several attempts. -35 points
Interaction #7: Neighbor child is playing with my kid in our basement when I hear her inform my child that it is “totally possible” to get pregnant when you are only 18. -50 points
Interaction #8: Ten minutes later, as I sit a few feet away, I hear my daughter say to neighbor child, “I heard you fart. You just farted.” Neighbor child defensively replies, “No I didn’t! I did not fart!” She then lowers her voice (but not low enough) and states matter-of-factly, “It was your mom. Your mom did it.” -150 points
I mean, what kind of demented creature has the balls to so boldly lie and blame her new friend’s mother – an innocent bystander AND AUTHORITY FIGURE – when she passes gas?!?! Sure, she may be a good student and chess player, but she is also a deceitful fart dodger who does not respect her elders, so I’ve got my eye on her.
Damnit. I do fear that will become my only option.
That was my first thought, too 😉
Oh my gosh that was the laughiest thing I have read in a long time. So so freaking funny!
Thanks for reading!
HOLY snarts. you dirty bastard, this was so funny. thank you for the laughs. i so adore you.
Coming back to my comfort zone before I get a Facebook fever. Thanks for sharing the snarts.
I am really scared my daughter is going to get neighbor friends. Of course, a few of these old people will have to kick the bucket first, but THAT happens, right? Another thing to keep me up at night.
I think the chess playing was all a ruse to get into your good graces.
P.S. I am having trouble getting onto and commenting on some wordpress blogs. I don’t know why, but I figured out if I use a different browser, a different email address, and don’t attach my website I can do it. So weird, but that’s why I look different and why I haven’t been here in a while. Technology, I shake my fists at you!
Oh lady. Triple thanks for even bothering to visit if those are the hoops you have to jump through. Eesh.
Okay I was about to say I have a similar story concerning an older neighbor girl, but yeah…TOTALLY NOT THE SAME STORY. I am rolling laughing at the fart.
That was hilarious! We don’t have any kids on our street so we’re safe for now.
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