Someonepleasehelpme. I have been working on reducing my hoarding mess for over a week now and I swear the pile is barely shrinking. My hands are dry, cracked and chafed from sorting through so many old papers. I hate to chafe!

There may or may not be a dead body in there somewhere

I’ve been so desperate to make progress in my spare time that I haven’t even had any time to blog or tweet in five days. FIVE DAYS. Will my blog implode?! Do I even still exist in the social media sphere?!

My decluttering has had moments of amusement, but it’s mostly been an unsettling experience. I thought I had old bills and papers that dated back maybe a couple years. Ok fine, probably four years.

But I uncovered a shift schedule from a waitressing job I had in 1996.

I found a stack of resumes and cover letters from my college internship (I included a cafeteria job as my work experience . . . sweet jeebus it’s a miracle I ever got hired).

I had paystubs from a temp job I had in 1997.

I had titles and maintenance paperwork not only from my previous car, but also from the car before that.

MY NAME IS AMY AND I AM A HOARDER.

WHAT was I thinking holding on to these things? Am I keeping old credit card statements and check registers to fill some sort of emotional void? ugh

Most of this stuff I can’t just throw away because it dates back to the days when social security numbers were on everything. Medical forms, rental agreements, grocery store receipts. It’s no wonder identity theft became a thing!

So I am taking my stash to a free community shredding event next month. Can you imagine what kind of crowd that event will draw?! Me and my fellow hoarders, emerging from our dark spaces, dragging our garbage bags, secretly longing for a hug.

But enough of this. I can’t waste any more time blogging today. I need to go back to sorting and chafing.* When I am done with this, I am going to create a line of skincare products specifically for reformed hoarders. No one should suffer like this.

*Apparently my hands are just cracked and dry, not chafed. I know this because I google’d ‘chafe’ and discovered a disturbing array of photos and descriptions, largely focused on the groin region. Blech. So to clarify, neither my hands, nor my nethers, are chafed.**

**Yes, I could have just updated my post to remove the chafing references, but that would have taken too much time! I’ve got de-hoarding to do!