I’ve done it. I crossed that sacred line in a friendship with a childless friend and I asked her to babysit.

This friend adores my children – probably in part because I’ve never left her alone with them – but tomorrow that may all change. She has graciously agreed to help me out in a pinch and watch my kids for a few hours while I go to a meeting because my husband is out of town and every other sitter was booked.

After fielding questions from her like, “Do I need to feed them?” I assured her I would give her an exact play-by-play. I don’t want to insult her with my directions, but I also don’t want to leave her guessing. She is that super fun pseudo-auntie who never ceases to give my kids candy right before dinner, accidentally drop an F-bomb in front of them, get them riled up right before bedtime, and leave them begging to see her again.

Here’s what I’ve got so far:

• Don’t give them any candy.
• Don’t hang them upside down by their ankles after 8 pm.
• Don’t let them run around outside alone at night.
• Don’t give them cigarettes.
• Don’t listen to them when they say their bedtime is 10 pm.
• Don’t let them watch The Walking Dead.
• Don’t let the toddler poop on the floor.
• Don’t feel bad if the toddler poops on the floor.
• Don’t bother trying to brush the toddler’s teeth. Save yourself.
• Don’t feel bad if you can’t get them to go to sleep.
• Don’t feel bad if you can’t get them to do anything.
• Don’t feel bad.

I’m going to save a copy for myself as well.