I told my parents this story at lunch today, and it reminded me how much I like it. Hello, NaBloPoMo post #23.
Last summer my family attended a going away party for my former boss at a local park. As we were preparing to leave, my 5-year-old had an urgent need to pee. So my husband raced her up to the restrooms while I got the car and drove to meet them.
The toilets in the men’s room at this busy urban park, at the end of a weekend without being cleaned, were beyond disgusting. So my husband decided that instead of letting my daughter sit on one, he would hold her over it while she went – sort of like a urinating hovercraft. She climbed up onto his knees, hung her bum over the toilet, and let loose. I was not there to witness it, but I am told the bathroom gymnastics looked something like this:
Unfortunately the angle was not quite right, and instead of peeing into the toilet, my daughter proceeded to urinate all over my husband. And once the flood waters were underway, there was really no way to stop her. So he had no choice but to stand there and get peed on for what was probably the longest 45 seconds of his life.
In an even more delightful twist, my daughter managed to pee squarely onto the crotch of my husband’s pants. I believe the science community calls this phenomenon “urinary transference.” I’m not a scientist and cannot be held responsible for the accuracy of this statement.
By the time my daughter was done relieving herself, it looked, and smelled, like my husband had just had an epic potty accident.
Adding insult to injury, my boss came walking into the bathroom just as my husband was rushing to get the hell out. My husband used my daughter as a shield to hide his man-sized potty stain, abruptly said “Hi, Bye,” and jumped into my waiting getaway car, leaving my daughter on the curb to fend for herself.
By the time I got the full story out of both of them, I was in tears. To this day, my daughter thinks it is one of the funniest experiences of her life. My husband is still recovering.
Moral of the story: Female urination is all about angles and math and that’s why we sit down when we go. I am not a mathematician or a urologist and cannot be held responsible for the accuracy of this statement.
Truth: I cannot pee standing up, out in the open. I’ve taught my girls how, but I have to remove all of their bottom clothing. The only times I’ve tried it, including one less than sober time behind a Jiffy Lube, I ended up peeing all over myself.
I refuse to believe it’s even possible to pee standing up without hitting your pants/socks/shoes. Don’t we all have a ‘drunk behind the Jiffy Lube’ story? No? Ok then.
*This*. Is what a Dad is.
Oh my God. You are hilarious! I forget that sometimes.